Wound to the Soul
by crayolakid0413
Summary: One-Shot: A case hits too close to home for Emily trudging up memories she can no longer hide. JJ is there for Emily to help her work through the pain.   Warning: Contains graphic description self harm *Trigger warning*  EM/JJ friendship.
1. Chapter 1

I do not own the characters of criminal minds, however this story based on the characters is my original work.

Emily found herself standing in the small bathroom in the back of the jet. All of the cases involving children pulled at her walls and threatened to tear them down. She couldn't imagine anything hurting her as bad as that until now. This situation was different, it was worse.

_The team had been called to a rural town in Oregon where several young women aged 25-27 were being kidnapped, tortured and killed. Each of the women was beautiful, smart and came from wealthy families. Each had raven colored hair, dark brown eyes and pale colored skin. They all could have been Emily's sister, or someone else. After 3 days they had caught the unsub, but not before he claimed his final victim. It had been Emily who cleared that final room, Emily who had found 26 year old Ryleigh Masters beaten curled up in the fetal position struggling for each breathe. She called for the medics but knew they would come to late. Emily rushed to the dying girl pulling her into her arms. Ryleigh was slipping away, she felt the arms around her, looked up to Emily and choked out I love you mom with ragged breath. Then she was gone. Emily didn't even hear her team rush into the room, she didn't notice the medics pulling the young women from her grasp, all she could feel was the cold floor. She was in the back alley clinic in Rome, Matthew was holding her hand while the doctors ended the life of her unborn child. She played Ryleigh's last words over and over. "I love you mom". She could have been someone's mother. Her little girl would have been the same age, she would have looked the same way. Losing Ryleigh in that basement was like losing her baby all over. All of the pain, the guilt, the regret flooded Emily._

Emily splashed cold water on her face, willing the tears to stay at bay. Her team couldn't see her this way. No one could see her this way. She just had to last a few more hours; a few more hours till she would be safe in her condo then she could fall apart. God Emily get a grip, she said to herself, you are a Prentiss. Image is everything; you hold up the wall, plaster on that smile and show the world how tough you are. Weakness is not permitted. Get over yourself already Emily, she continued, they don't care, no one cares about you. How can you expect anyone to comfort you to love you after what you did? You don't deserve to be loved. You walked in to that clinic, you had an abortion, and you took the future away from your child. You are alone because of your choices.

Emily was overcome with emotion, grieving for those young women whose lives were cut short, the young women who could have been her child, for her baby lost 26 years ago and for her own life which was destined to be cold and alone. The tears were pouring so fast she could barely see the razor blade she had slipped out of her pocket. Almost in auto-pilot she turned the water as hot as it could go. She was no longer aware of her surroundings, so caught up in the need for release she hadn't heard the knocking on the door or JJ's soft voice asking if she was okay.

JJ stood outside the bathroom door. She knew something was bothering her friend. She had the mask firmly in place but when she thought everyone was asleep her guard went down and the pain was evident in her eyes. She had given Emily 30 minutes in the bathroom thinking that she needed time to clear her head. Now as she stood there past memories of her sister flooded her mind. Why wasn't she answering, why is the water running so long, oh god Emily, JJ thought.

Emily dragged the razor across her damaged wrist pushing down as hard as she could handle. She needed to see the blood. The deeper into the already open wounds she pressed the more blood would pour out, the more of her sins would be released.

"EMILY!" JJ yelled panic evident in her voice as she pounded on the door, "EMILY ANSWER ME PLEASE EM YOU'RE SCARRING ME PLEASE EM PLEASE JUST OPEN THE DOOR". The yelling and pounding quickly got the attention of the rest of the team. Derek walked to the back, seeing the concern plastered across JJ's face decided to try Emily himself. JJ was probably just overreacting right. Prentiss was invincible, she just needed her space.

"Princess, hey you want to open up, you're giving our little JJ a heart attack out here." Derek called.

He waited and nothing.

"PRINCESS YOU HAVE 1 MINUTE TO ANSWER ME OR I'M BUSTING DOWN THIS DOOR!" Derek now yelled.

Emily suddenly snapped out of her dazed state. Oh shit, oh god, she said looking at her bleeding wrist, I can't believe I did this here. How am I going to hid this? He's going to come in any second and see this. He can't know. Think Emily, just think.

"Uh, um Derek wait just give me a second, I'm okay, I'm sorry I didn't answer its just…Emily hesitated trying her best to sound embarrassed, women problems okay. Please just leave me alone."

"Uh yea sorry Princess, Derek stuttered, "Jay all you", Derek said as he bolted back to his seat to curious eyes.

"What's going on back there?" Hotch asked.

"Prentiss just has, um ya know women issues and JJ freaked out that she wouldn't let her in" Derek replied. Hotch nodded and returned to his papers.

"Derek what are women problems?" Reid asked, "Statistically…" Derek cut him off abruptly. "Reid it means nothing we ever want to know about, don't ask." Reid looked puzzled but returned to his rubix cube.

"Em? JJ called, knocking on the door again. It's just me now, come on whatever is going on in there I can help. Are you having cramps? She whispered. I think I have Midol in my bag."

Emily looked down at her injured wrist watching the blood slowly mixing with the running water. She had been hiding this for years, since that fateful day in Rome when she made a decision way too big for her 15 year old self. She knew it would be weak to expose her dirty little secret but something inside was telling her to open the door. JJ was her best friend, the closest person, other than Matthew and Ian (which she wasn't sure was real or just part of her cover) she had ever had and needed more than ever.

The door slowly opened. JJ took a deep breath, she had an uneasy feeling it was more than women problems, no matter what was going on she knew her best friend and it took a lot to let her in she needed to be strong for her. Despite her efforts to mask her emotion, JJ let out a gasp when she saw her best friend so broken, her wrist pouring out blood that she wasn't trying to stop, silent tears poured down her face.

"Oh god Em what did you do?" JJ whispered, tears falling harder.

"Its nothing Jay, really I'm okay", Emily said trying to mask the guilt but unable to meet her eyes. I shouldn't have opened the door, I shouldn't have let you in, some secrets are better kept," Emily rambled holding back the tears she felt pooling in her eyes. She hurt her best friend. By letting her see how broken and pathetic she had become she was causing her pain. How could she be so selfish? She was such a terrible person. Emily thought.

Whether she realized it or not she was desperate for someone to help, she needed help, she needed to feel whole again. She needed for the emptiness she has harbored for so long to be filled. She knew JJ could fix her if she just stayed strong and didn't push her away.

JJ stood silent for what felt like hours, she wasn't sure what to expect when she walked in, she knew something was bothering her best friend, maybe she expected Emily to be hiding tears. She never cried in front of anyone, maybe she was hiding her crying so she wouldn't feel weak, but this, she didn't see this coming.

"Em, JJ said cautiously, I'm glad that you opened the door, I'm glad that you showed me you're secret. It's okay to break down those walls of yours. I'm your friend Em, I love you and I promise you I am not going anywhere. Nothing that you say or do is going to make me walk away from you Em."_ I won't lose you like I lost my sister, JJ said to herself._

Luckily being on a private FBI jet, medical supplies were available in the bathroom. JJ gathered supplies and carefully began to patch up Emily's wrist. Getting a closer look at the deep wounds, and the mutilation in the same place made JJ feel nauseous; her best friend was in such agonizing pain she cut through the same wounds over and over. She should have seen the pain through the mask, she should have reached out sooner, and maybe if she had her wrist wouldn't look this bad, she wouldn't be this bad.

Emily stood there shaking as JJ gently cared for her wounds, the wounds she caused herself. She saw the look in JJ's eyes when she realized how much damage she had down. Guilt was pouring down on her. She was in sensory overload, her secret, the one she protected the lengths she went through to keep this hidden from the world was exposed. She was embarrassed, ashamed and so guilty. JJ had such concern and compassion in her eyes, but there was also hurt. The hurt that she had caused, why did she let her in, she should have kept this in and then JJ wouldn't be so sad.

When JJ had finished she pulled Emily's sleeve down hiding her wrist, assuring her that her secret was safe and it was going to be okay. JJ stood up and exited the bathroom, Emily following close behind.

JJ took a seat in the back of the plane away from prying eyes, to her surprise Emily sat across from her. Emily needed to be near JJ at that moment she was her lifeline. JJ reached over and squeezed her hand giving her the unspoken support she was craving.

An hour later the jet had landed and the team was gathering their belongings. "Take the weekend off everyone, it was a tough case you all deserve it. I'll see you all back bright and early Monday."

Emily snuck out the door and into her truck before JJ could stop her. Emily knew she needed JJ, she knew she needed her lifeline, but being out of the plane reality hit her. She couldn't do this not now. She headed for her condo, hoping JJ would take the hint and let her be alone.

The last 24 hours were too much to process, the young women dying in her arms, the reminder of her abortion, divulging her dirty little secret to JJ, she needed to escape. Emily closed the door behind her throwing her ready bag against the wall. She needed to escape to get out of her own head to not feel for a while. She went straight into the kitchen and took out her oldest bottle of scotch she had saved for a special occasion. This was as special of an occasion as you can get, it was the day Emily realized she didn't matter, that her life caused nothing but pain. She poured the first glass and chugged it quickly. She had to forget soon, the pain of knowing, the pain of hearing that girl who could have been her daughter, who was the same age her baby would have been saying goodbye, seeing JJ crying over her mistakes, she needed to get drunk as quickly as possible.

"Em, JJ called, knocking on the door. Em come on I know you're in there. I have chick flicks and ice cream.

No answer.

"Please Em, you don't need to be alone. I promised I wouldn't leave and I'm right here. See Em you didn't scare me away I'm right here. Will has Henry this weekend and I could really use the company." JJ said.

Loud steps approached the door. Flinging the door open, a very drunk Emily looked up at her friend with bags in her hands. "Jayje you don't have to be here, Emily slurred, I'm a big girl".

"Yea Em, a wasted big girl, come on, she said as she led her friend back into the condo."

JJ sighed as she tucked Emily into bed. They wouldn't be talking tonight.

Emily woke the next morning to banging downstairs. She reached up and grabbed her head. Oh god how much did I drink, she thought. Just as she was able to get her gun JJ appeared in the doorway holding a bottle and a glass of water.

"Morning sleepy head, how are feeling this morning? JJ said quietly.

"Jay what are you doing here?" Emily asked.

"I came over last night Em, here take this she said handing her a couple pills and some water, how much did you drink last night, you were in bad shape when I showed up. I'm still amazed I was able to get you in bed without killing us both."

"Jay don't start my head is pounding." Emily replied.

"Come on I made you breakfast."

Emily reluctantly made her way downstairs.

After they finished eating JJ turned to Emily, taking her hands her eyes filled with love and compassion. "How long Em?"

"How long what Jay?" Emily replied hoping yesterday was just a nightmare, that she didn't actually expose her terrible secret to JJ.

"Em come on don't shut me out. I'm your best friend and whether you realize it or not you want me help. You and I both know that if you didn't I wouldn't have found out, ever." JJ said.

"Maybe Jay, maybe somewhere inside I didn't want to hold on to this secret anymore, but I won't lose you Jay. You mean too much to me. This, Emily said pointing to her injured wrist, I, I have skeletons Jay and if I let them out you will run away. You will cry and then you will leave me because my pain is too much, it's too much for anyone to bear. I can't let you feel this pain. I can't let you leave, because if you go I will have lost my best friend. I would rather suffer alone; I would rather keep doing this, if it keeps me from losing you." Emily said tears filling her eyes.

JJ took a deep breath. If she wanted Em to share these deep dark secrets that were literally destroying her, she would need to let some of her own go as well.

"Em", JJ said so low Emily could barely hear, "When I was 11 my big sister came into my room and gave me this, JJ held her necklace, it was…it was the last time…I saw her." Tears streaming down her face, "She committed suicide Em and the worst part is knowing that she was hurting so bad, holding so much in and she didn't trust me to help her." I know I was a kid but she should have come to me.

Em froze. "Oh Jay, I'm so sorry!" The guilt washed over her as she took her crying friend into her arms. JJ pulled back.

"Em I want you to know that as much as it hurts that you are suffering so much that you have to do this to yourself, the fact that you showed me, that you let me in, it just means so much. I couldn't help my sister and I have never gotten over that guilt. I don't think….I don't think you are going to do what she did, if you were you would have secretly already. I can't imagine the pain you are in, you compartmentalize everything and it has to be so hard. Just don't give up on me Em, just really try to let me in and try to let me help." JJ said starring into Emily's eyes with such conviction trying to relay the truth in her words.

Emily fought back the tears welling up in her eyes.

When I was 15 I was just trying to fit in, we moved around a lot and it was so hard for me to make friends. I was willing to do, anything, to be a part of that world. I, I got pregnant Jay, the dad he turned on me told me I was a slut and I was going to hell. I couldn't go to my mom so I went to the next best thing, my priest. He agreed, I was terrible, I was going to hell. He threw me out and told me I would never be welcomed again. My friend Matthew took me to a clinic, he held my hand threw the whole thing. Jay killing that baby has haunted me for the past 26 years it is my biggest regret. To punish me for that unthinkable act, my Matthew was sentence to live a life of questioning faith, turning to drugs and eventually death. You remember that case with the priest, Matthew was killed. He died unsure of himself, he died alone. His life was over because I dragged him into my sin. Emily choked back tears as JJ rubbed her back knowing she had to get this out. Emily looked up expecting to see anger in her friends' eyes, disgust for what she had done but all she saw was love. This case, Emily continued, it brought it all back for me. Those girls, 25-27 raven hair, brown eyes, pale skin from affluent families they all could have been my child. Before you guys came in to the basement, Ryleigh she, she um, Emily tried to speak through the tears, her last words were I love you mom. Jay she said that to me, I looked at her and saw what my child would have been if I had given it a chance, if I hadn't killed it, if I hadn't taken its life and Matthews. I'm so weak, I'm so evil, I'm just a burden to everyone, why am I hear Jay, why am I always saved when were in the field when I don't deserve to live?"

JJ couldn't handle one more word. She reached over and held Emily as tight as she could, determined to show her that she was never going anywhere, that she deserved life, that she deserved to be happy. She stayed like that for hours until the sobs finally calmed down and she could hear her friends' slow and steady breathing.

Somehow JJ would show Emily that she was worthy, somehow she would make Emily see herself the way the rest of the world saw her. Somehow she gets through to her friend and makes sure felt all the love in the world. But until then she would hold her, patch up her wounds and make it her personal mission to show Emily what life is really meant to be.

Reviews are appreciated. Please sensor.


	2. Chapter 2

Authors Note:

Thank you all for the great reviews you left on this story. It was my first ever fan-fic and I really appreciate the support. In response to many of you adding this to story alert and me as a favorite author I decided to make a sequel called **Filling the Void**. It will be another one-shot which is case-based and touches upon Emily's healing.

Thanks again!


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